The marital relationship is the foundation of one's family life and for good reason. A three year study conducted by the Center's for Disease Control on 127,545 adults found that married adults are happier, healthier and wealthier than unmarried adults (Schoenborn, 2004).
Recent advances in science show that the quality of the marriage, not just marriage itself, is important. Good marriages reap many benefits beyond emotional harmony. But the opposite is also true - bad marriages can have far-reaching negative effects on one's life. Recent research shows that bad marriages can affect immune functioning and slow down the body's ability to heal from physical wounds and disease (Robles & Kiecolt-Glaser, 2003).
Children and youth who are raised by parents in healthy marriages compared to those raised within unhealthy marriages are:
1. Physically healthier
2. Emotionally healthier
3. More likely to succeed academically
4. Less likely to demonstrate behavior problems in school
5. Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol
6. Less likely to show delinquent behaviors
7. Less likely to become pregnant as a teenage
8. Less likely to get someone pregnant
9. More likely to attend college
Institute for American Values, 2002
Improving Your Marriage
If you want to improve your marriage and reap the considerable benefits of a good marriage there are proven things that you can do to increase the strength and health of your marriage.
Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington in Seattle has spent decades studying techniques that build strong marriages. His work stemmed from laboratory studies in which he examined the communication styles of married couples and then followed their marital satisfaction and longevity over years. From this systematic long term work he derived seven principles which are described in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2001).
The seven principles from his book are described briefly below and offer strategies on how you can improve your marriage.
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman, Ph.D. 2001)
Principle 1: Be an emotionally intelligent couple
– Marital Habit: Inattention to the details of your spouse’s life
– Do you know your spouse’s: likes, dislikes, joys, stresses and fears?
– Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds
– Keep updating information and facts and feelings of your spouse’s world as it changes
Principle 2: Nurture your fondness and admiration
– Fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt
– They allow you to respect one another even when you fight
– Remind yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities
– A focus on the past can encourage positive feelings
94% of the time that couples put a positive spin on their marriage’s history they are likely to have a happy future
Principle 3: Turn toward each other instead of away
– “Turning toward” is the basis of emotional connection
– Couples who turn toward each other remain emotionally engaged and stay married
Principle 4: Let your partner influence you
The majority of wives let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinion and feelings into account. In the happiest marriages:
• The husband does not resist power sharing and decision making with his wife.
• During disagreements these husbands actively search for common ground instead of insisting on getting his way.
• Marriages where the husband resists power sharing are four times more likely to end or continue unhappily
Principle 5: Five steps to resolve conflicts
1. Soften your startup (Avoid starting discussions with “You always mess this up” or “I can’t trust you to do this right”)
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts (Offer or accept statements that convey understanding or express interest in resolving problems)
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise: The cornerstone of any compromise is accepting influence
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults: Accepting flaws promotes compromise
Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock
– Happy couples:
• Understand that helping each other realize their dreams is one of the goals of marriage
• Incorporate each other’s goals into their concept of what their marriage is about
• Seek to understand why each partner feels strongly about the issue (don’t necessarily try to solve the problem)
• Accept differences and establish an initial compromise
• If the marriage doesn't honor the dream, conflict will arise
Principle 7: Create shared meaning
– Create a culture – this can be created by two people who have agreed to share their lives
– The culture incorporates both of their dreams even if they don’t always share them
– When the marriage has a shared meaning, conflict is less intense
For more information on Dr. Gottman’s work see The Gottman Institute Researching and Restoring Relationships http://www.gottman.com/marriage/relationship
yourmarriagecounselor.com
Ten lessons to transform your marriage by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. 2005
Other websites for improving marital relationships include: www.marriageadvice.com